Zombie Star Wars the Epic: Volume 1
Chapter One: The Origins of Luke Skyzombie Killer
A long, long time ago, in a city far, far, away, there is one man who stands against all scary zombies. His name? Do you really want know? He is the scariest man on earth, but I will tell you. His name is Luke Skyzombie killer. He fights against the evilest organization on earth, The Dark Side, commanded by the darkest man on earth, Zombie Vader. Luke’s biggest challenge is protecting humanity and defeating Zombie Vader.
Chapter Two: The Teachings of Javiera
Skyzombie killer was taught by his mother, Javiera, a respected owner of a zombie-sushi-restaurant that through her unique skill of transforming parts of zombie bodies into delicious dishes, she became one of the most feared women in the world until she died by choking on her favorite dish; triple-x zombie hamburger.
Luke learned from his mother how to be a fearless and bold man, a machine that kills thousands of zombies with his lightsaber. But I think you are asking, why is this man the scariest man in the world if he is protecting us? The answer is simple, after killing the zombies, he rubs their blood all over his body and he is almost 7 feet tall, has a long beard, a disfigured face, and a stutter.
Chapter Three: The Infestation
He’s been fighting against these creatures for years and years and has yet to achieve victory, because each time he kills three of them, another one arises. This is because Zombie Vader has the power of resurrection.
The situation was getting worse every day. The zombies were multiplying very fast, becoming out of control. Luke was sick of it. He needed to do something, for example, kill his greatest life nemesis, Zombie Vader.
However, to beat this monster he needed to pass through a big army, composed of armored zombie tanks, zombies with big guns, death troopers, and zombie dogs. Although there are many obstacles to get to Vader, his anger and hunger for zombie blood can perhaps help him overcome and, finally, win.
Chapter Four: Luke, The New Hope
After several days preparing himself and learning special techniques, watching movies of Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, he remembered some of his mother’s teachings, one of them he still says to himself when he is hurt or about to die, which is: “being killed by a zombie is a shame for your family, you little bastard.”
It was a Saturday night when he started his walk to the Zombie Castle. His first challenge was to pass through the zombie tanks. To do that he used special ninja bombs. He needed to be smart and surprise the zombies to place the bombs inside the tanks, without being hit or captured by them, but he didn’t do that, he just ran through the zombies with his big armored truck and shot everyone in his way. The tactic worked and he killed hundreds and hundreds of them.
But that was only the first part of the job. His armored truck was totally destroyed, so it was time to request the jet fighter, and just by a touch of his watch, a strong jet fighter landed and Luke got into it and then… the barbarity began. Humanity never saw such a thing before, zombies trying to shoot the plane and Luke Skyzombie Killer shooting back. One by one the zombies were falling down until they finally were able to knock down the jet. Luke got out of the crash unharmed and then started to battle with his lightsaber for survival.
The scenario was similar to that of Quentin Tarantino’s movie “Kill Bill’ with blood and body parts all over the earth, most of them heads.
After killing all the zombies and death troopers, he was about to face Zombie Vader, but first, he needed to kill the zombie dogs. This task was not so hard, because Luke was known as ‘Defender of Animals’, and would never kill a dog, even a zombie one. The dogs came after him and he quickly opened a compartment of a warehouse with a ton of fresh meat, the dogs were attracted by it and Luke closed the door.
Chapter 5: The Final Battle
Now, hurt and tired, Luke Skyzombie Killer was about to face his worst enemy. When Zombie Vader first saw Luke he grabbed his lightsaber and attacked Skyzombie Killer with all his power and an epic battle ensued. After defending from a lightsaber strike, Luke counterattacked, but was hit in the arm and started to bleed out tons, and tons of blood. Then Zombie Vader grabbed him by his robe and said: “Luke, I’m your father… your mother is a whore!” Luke started to scream… and cry. They hugged each for a long time in a moment of happiness, well, actually not so happy, because Luke grabbed his lightsaber and stabbed his father through the back and said: “I would never accept being a son of a zombie, my father is Chuck Norris.”
Zombie Vader died and Luke finally destroyed the king of the zombies. However, Luke Skyzombie Killer knew that was only the beginning of the war. Millions of zombies were all over the earth killing by the dozens and eating tons and tons of brains. It was time to leave the castle and begin once again the epic battle against The Dark Side … as he departed from the corpse of his dead father he whispered to himself his mother’s saying, “being killed by a zombie is a shame for your family, you little bastard.”
Now, the only question is, who’s hungry for some burgers?
To be continued…
By Eduardo Pinto
Edited by Eric Dunn